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Amy Holmes, Let’s Be Friends

Despite my best efforts to hate her because, um, everything she says is wrong. I love Amy Holmes.

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Long, long ago on this blog I mentioned my desire to capture Amy Holmes, brainwash her and recruit her back to the black hand side. I don’t mind that she’s a conservative. That’s fine. Keep the conservatism. But I also know that she’s a registered independent who’s pro-abortion. She also went to Princeton. She was also born in Zambia. And she has a thing for Jews. (That’s cool too. I mean, I’d do Jon Stewart. Not Bill Maher though. He’s fuggly and I don’t touch things that have touched Karrine Steffans.) But I really, really like her. I know, a lot of you hate her. But I really, really do. I don’t know why. I just do. So, Amy, if you read this blog, here is my recruitment letter to you.

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Dear Amy Holmes,

Hey girl. Can I call you “girl”? Is that cool? Because I don’t know your level of “blackness.” Girl might be wrong. So I’ll call you Amy.

Amy, I know a lot of black libs and progressives are really, really hard on you because sometimes you can come off as a hateful bitch. I know. Sounds harsh. But it’s true. Yet somehow, I don’t believe your bitchatude. You just can’t convince me you’re evil. How can evil come in such an adorable package?

But that’s not what this letter is about. I want to recruit you to be a true independent. For reals. Because, let’s face it, you’re not William Bennett. You’re not Bill O’Reilly. You’re not Rush Limbaugh. You’re not Ann Fucking Coulter. You’re not even Mary Matalin (although you come close!) You don’t care about raising the capital gains tax or eliminating the estate tax. Let’s be real, Amy. Really real. You’re just doing this for the money.

I know you don’t want to admit it. But let’s face it. Independent, liberal-leaning blacks are a dime a dozen. There are like, a billion of those jocking to be on TV. And maybe you didn’t feel like duking it out with Donna Brazille because that would be like bring a knife to a gunfight. But say you’re a “Republican strategist” and suddenly your cute-as-a-button, afro princess face is everywhere. You’re in demand. “Get that cute black conservative girl!” the networks shout, “Her bitchatude is awesome!”

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And it is. You’ve got bitchatude for miles. But I think you’re at a junction here where you can gracefully move closer to the center and become the poster girl for independent black women.

1) You hate Hillary Clinton. I’ve noticed that you’ve noticed that the tide has turned on black folks’ love affair with the Clintons. You can TOTALLY bond with Negroes over that. My God. That alone would endear you to millions.

2) You were born in Zambia. We like women from the motherland! Sure your dad split when you were a kid. But that just makes you a cute-as-a-button, conservative/independent version of Barack Obama. With a little elbow grease and that sparkling smile you could win over the hearts and minds of Negroes. We don’t care if you’re biracial. This is America. All black folks are lumped together whether they want to be lumped or not.

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3) You went to Princeton. We need Ivy league Negroes! You could inspire some young sisters to go to college. Do you realize how many sisters would look up to you if you crossed over and talked about hard work, personal responsibility and hair products. And, by the way, what hair products do you use because I too have natural hair and yours looks stunning, I must say. Absolutely stunning.


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